A trial or two
<The outlines of a drawing room. The Duchess is lounging in grief on a settee. She is dressed in a flattering black gown. Mary Companion sits ever watchful in a winged back chair.>
<A Butler opens the door stage right.>
BUTLER
<played by Garrick>
Samuel Foote,
<He turns to the audience.>
Low comedian of Haymarket.
<He exits.>
<Foote enters.>
DUCHESS
<not rising or asking him to sit; she is prostate in grief.>
Mr. Foote.
<Turns to her companion.>
Mary, pray leave me, my dearest,
I fear not this scoundrel.
MARY COMPANION
<in an aside aimed at Foote>
Ah, thanks to you for your retainer.
She hopes that bribery
Will buy my silence.
But her past,
Not her future,
Promises more lucre.
ALL THREE
Suspicion.
Our mission.
MARY COMPANION
She flaunts her weeds,
No small wonder,
Its blackened garb
Hides all plunder.
DUCHESS
Mary, sullen slut,
Such vile rubbish.
What a gazette
You might publish.
FOOTE
Twice thee the bride,
Each but a scam.
Melancholy,
Widow’s sly sham.
ALL THREE
Suspicion.
Our mission.
Three lines together
MARY COMPANION
Plunder
DUCHESS
Publish
FOOTE
Sly scam
ALL THREE
Suspicion.
Our mission.
MARY COMPANION
For black wears black,
Tries hard to hide,
What lies within,
Thy dark inside.
DUCHESS
Get out, perverse,
Pouting vixen.
Too close you’ve seen
What my tricks win.
FOOTE
Poor, departed Duke
To court a maid
And die mounting,
A lower grade.
ALL THREE
Suspicion.
Our mission.
Three lines together
MARY COMPANION
Inside
<spits>
DUCHESS
Vixen
<spits back>
FOOTE
A maid
<tauntingly>
ALL THREE
Suspicion.
Our mission.
<Mary Companion curtsies and mockingly exits stage left.>
Act 1, scene 2b.
<Foote and the Duchess.>
DUCHESS
Sit, playwright.
I do not choose
To look up to you.
FOOTE
Most happily,
My most gracious
<To the audience>
Dubious
<Extends this for comic purposes>
Duchess.
DUCHESS
<Perusing a copy of the script, she slaps the script throughout.>
This is scandalous,
One-legged Foote,
What a wretch you’ve made of me.
You mock my public mourning,
Surround me with ill-treated companions,
Give speech to bigamy,
Set it all in Calais
Which I once did visit,
And worst of all for what it’s worth
Cast me with a player of girth.
<She sits upright to model her figure.>
FOOTE
But, Your Grace,
What have these quirks
<he emphasizes the last word>
Got to do with you?
Lady Kitty Crocodile
Is but a baseless being
Of my poet’s fancy.
Thus must a playwright
Make from a fool his purse.
This satire is not designed at you,
A Duchess wed, a Duchess true.
DUCHESS
You have been put up to this
By the Duke’s nephew.
FOOTE
I have not yet been bribed
A thought I’ll review.
TWO TOGETHER
DUCHESS
Such a likeness
I like not.
It tars highness
With foul blot.
FOOTE
Such a kindness
I mean not.
It scars slyness
With foul plot.
<The Two Taunt Each Other>
DUCHESS
Your slyness.
FOOTE
Your highness.
DUCHESS
Pesky playwright.
FOOTE
High-born actress.
DUCHESS
Spare me the bitter pill
Of society’s laughter.
I cannot accept a lead role
In this, your vulgar masquerade.
I will not ascend the slippery board
Of public place in promenade.
FOOTE
I care not, Your Grace,
Whate’er happens after.
The plays been cast, its troupe is set.
We’ve cast restraining ropes away.
We are bound in our journey
Set sail for The Trip to Calais.
TWO TOGETHER FOOTE LEADING
FOOTE
My written play,
Like a fund,
Shall mount this day
Its worth un-shunned.
DUCHESS
Bitten, I stay,
Still stunned,
I’ll count my way
Without refund.
Act 1, scene 2c.
<The Butler opens the door stage right.>
BUTLER
The most Reverend Jackson,
<He turns to the audience.>
A fit adviser for this devilish Duchess.
<He exits.>
JACKSON
You bid me come,
Most dulcet Duchess.
<he bows and kisses her hand>
I find you conversing
With gossip’s gambler.
<he glares at Foote and dismisses him with a gesture>
DUCHESS
Clothed in my innocence
As in a coat of mail.
JACKSON
Ever the winning woman
Taunted by merry male.
FOOTE
But why, My Lady,
Put on your coat of mail
Against me?
I have no hostile intentions
Against you.
Folly, not vice,
Is the game I pursue.
To laugh not at the one
But at the species.
Not one life I’ll mock
But the group I’ll tease.
JACKSON
But what if in its likeness
People will judge it be she,
Samuel but one Foote,
Quick at thy target?
FOOTE
My characters have wit
That would be unworthy
Of someone as exalted
As our valiant Duchess.
THREE TOGETHER
DUCHESS
Mocking me in merriment.
FOOTE
Likeness but mere accident.
JACKSON
‘Calais’ mimics incident.
THREE TOGETHER
DUCHESS
Merriment
FOOTE
Accident
JACKSON
Incident
DUCHESS
Do not jest at my expense.
FOOTE
I have not aped your pretense.
JACKSON
I must prepare her defense.
THREE TOGETHER
DUCHESS
My expense
FOOTE
Your pretense
JACKSON
Her defense
DUCHESS
(gestures at the script)
Lines full of accusation.
FOOTE
Fresh and not allegation
JACKSON
Cruel in their adaptation.
THREE TOGETHER
DUCHESS
Accusation
FOOTE
Allegation
JACKSON
Adaptation
THREE TOGETHER
DUCHESS
Accusation,
Merriment
At my expense!
FOOTE
Allegation,
Accident
At your pretense!
JACKSON
Adaptation,
Incident
To her defense!
DUCHESS and JACKSON
You’ll regret,
Samuel Foote,
This errant play
With clowns afoot.
FOOTE
<to the Duchess with a certain viciousness>
I am sorry, Duchess,
<doubtfully>
If weeping Crocodile
Has pinned your weeds awry.
<Foote mocks her dress.>
I seek but random smile.
JACKSON
<gets down to brass tacks>
What is your play worth,
Low comedian?
THREE TOGETHER
One play,
What is its worth?
FOOTE
What’s the cost
To curb its mirth?
JACKSON
Kill it now
And stop its birth.
DUCHESS
Crush laughing
At divine girth.
THREE TOGETHER
One play,
What is its worth?
FOOTE
I might say
Three thousand pounds.
JACKSON
More the way
Five hundred sounds.
DUCHESS
Stop the play
But spare the grounds.
THREE TOGETHER
One play,
What is its worth?
FOOTE
The research…
Worthy writing.
JACKSON
Thy sly smirch
Baseless biting.
DUCHESS
Fiction’s perch
Uninviting.
THREE TOGETHER
One play,
What is its worth?
FOOTE
Final bid
Bare two thousand.
JACKSON
To be rid
Just one thousand.
DUCHESS
I forbid
No more shall stand.
THREE TOGETHER
One play,
What is its worth?
JACKSON
No deal, Foote.
Those that scourge
Can themselves be threatened?
FOOTE
By what, pray tell?
JACKSON
Scandal can be found quite easily
For are you not a player,
Foote?
<spits out the name>
FOOTE
The dirt comes from my pen,
Not from my life,
There’s no where, no when.
JACKSON
Your dim life viewed closely,
With examination,
Shall throw off its debris.
THREE TOGETHER
Blackmail,
DUCHESS and JACKSON
One scribbler’s
FOOTE
One rector’s
THREE TOGETHER
Tall tale
For sale
DUCHESS and JACKSON
One playwright
FOOTE
One pastor
THREE TOGETHER
Wholesale.
Blackguard,
DUCHESS and JACKSON
One comic’s
FOOTE
One curate’s
THREE TOGETHER
Calling card.
Keep guard
DUCHESS and JACKSON
One player
FOOTE
One parson
THREE TOGETHER
<on the final phrase the Duchess rises to her highest note and holds on.>
Plots hard.
DUCHESS
After such summit,
I grow faint with worry.
<She feigns fainting.>
<The Reverend rings for Mary Companion and the Butler.>
Scene 2c.
<They enter. Mary Companion from stage left, the Butler from stage right.>
JACKSON
<to Mary Companion>
See to your mistress.
Foote’s play remains
Though his audience is over.
<Turns to the Butler with an air of finality.>
Fetch Foote’s Footman.
<Butler goes out and returns with the Footman.>
I cannot announce
Ferdinand Footman,
Just a mere servant.
But let him come forth
To complete the cast
And launch our act’s finale
That intermission arrives at last.
Scene 2d.
<Finale with all six principals onstage.>
JACKSON
<advances forward in thought>
Ferdinand Footman.
Samuel Foote’s
Fresh faced footman?
<Ferdinand Footman joins him stage right front.>
Yes, your honor.
JACKSON
Can I recruit your slander?
I’ll overmatch thy normal wage.
FERDINAND FOOTMAN
What accusation is needed?
JACKSON
That Samuel Foote
Did try to cast thee
As his ass’s man.
FERDINAND FOOTMAN
Be clearer,
Most reverend.
JACKSON
That his ass
<he slaps it on Foote>
Might be mounted
By thy
Member
<he gestures>
FERDINAND FOOTMAN
Ah, I see,
<he pauses>
I seem to remember.
JACKSON
‘Tis an accusation
Fit for an author.
FERDINAND FOOTMAN
<to all as he points at Foote>
There be the playwright
With his wit quite jolly
Who tried to cast
Me as his ass’s molly.
<Ends on high note>
ALL SIX
<advance in a line medium upstage; from left to right, Mary Companion, Duchess, Foote, Jackson, Ferdinand Footman, Butler.>
So slander
Comes quick to the tongue.
Its cruel charge
Of sodomy sung.
So slander
Comes quick to the tongue.
<Mary Companion and Foote come upstage in the center. The other four go downstage.>
FOOTE
<to Mary Companion>
Have you the proof I seek,
Companion well paid?
MARY COMPANION
The letters I’ve found
Prove her twice wed.
First a Hervey
Later a Kingston
First a Countess,
Then a Duchess.
FOOTE
Who can know what
Her station might be?
MARY COMPANION
I’ve proof for the public
<she shows letters>
Of bigamy.
<high note>
ALL SIX
<advance in a line medium upstage; from left to right, Mary Companion, Foote, Duchess, Jackson, Ferdinand Footman, Butler.>
So slander
Comes quick to the tongue.
Its cruel charge
Of bigamy sung.
So slander
Comes quick to the tongue.
<Duchess and Jackson come upstage in the center. The other four go downstage.>
DUCHESS
First pesky play,
Now loosened letters,
What shall we do,
My most reverend?
JACKSON
Suppress them all
As slanderous smear.
DUCHESS
What should I do
To keep my ship aright?
JACKSON
First stop the play,
Then sue the playwright.
ALL SIX
<advance in a line medium upstage; from left to right, Mary Companion, Foote, Duchess, Jackson, Ferdinand Footman, Butler>
So slander
Comes quick to the tongue.
A Trip stopped
With its run not young.
So slander
Comes quick to the tongue.
<Mary Companion and Ferdinand Footman come upstage in the center. The other four go downstage.>
MARY COMPANION and FERDINAND FOOTMAN
No fickle love songs
Are warbling.
We’ve better paid parts
Left to sing.
Our testimony
With all its sting.
ALL SIX
<advance in a line medium upstage; from left to right, Duchess, Jackson, Ferdinand Footman, Mary Companion, Foote, Butler>
So slander
Comes quick to the tongue.
What’s mature
Attacked by what’s young.
So slander
Comes quick to the tongue.
<Butler comes upstage in the center. The other five go downstage.>
The play’s at play
With counterplot
Who knows who wins?
Who knows who not?
<All six advance to the front of the stage in ensemble.>
Slander’s tongue
JACKSON
Sodomy
FOOTE
Bigamy
DUCHESS
Suppression
MARY COMPANION And FERDINAND FOOTMAN
Feel our sting
BUTLER
Counterplot
ALL SIX
Slander’s tongue
Is fiercely sprung.
